Pre-prom was a little ridiculous. My Dad and I argued for a while whether or not James bond would wear a vest. After careful consideration of the mental damage this would cause for the next 10 years if I didn’t wear the vest, I wore the vest. My dad insisted on taking some lame pictures of me in the back yard. Suddenly he felt like he was a professional photographer. “Why don’t you lean against the tree?” It’s bad enough I had to be in that hot tuxedo with my family. It made me particularly venemous.

Having previously dropped off my car at Kmart in West Orange, I took the truck to Magda’s house. There, we took more pictures. Finally, we all came back to my house and went to Anna’s house. This was quite possibly the most obnoxious event I have ever attended. Imagine a pretend papparazzi of parents. Imagine obnoxious ass photos. “Ok now all the boys, Ok now all the girls. Ok, now boys with girls…. ok, Now again” This all while a HUGE FUCKING Expedition was in front of her house. The stretched Hummer had the air conditioning broken. What a shame.

When we finally got into the car, Ashley, Magda, Jamal and I all sat in the back. Their was a little section for handicapped people or something. I figured…I qualify on the basis of craziness. So we sat there for the little ride to West Orange. In true gangster fashion we turned up the stereo (Nearly blowing me away) and rolled up into the prom bass blaring.

Prom was awesome. I ate, I drank, I danced. Yeah I know. I danced. I had a true revelation. I will never see these people again, ever. So I danced. And danced. And danced some more. And I thought to myself, “Why was this such a big deal before?”

The DJ at the prom was classy as hell. He had the dance floor shaking … literally. The chandeliers too. I don’t think Mayfair farms knew how bad ass of a school we were. I knew though. My favorite part asked: “Are their any Hatians in the house?!” To which an uproarious yell went up, from a staggering number of people. Not only that, but they were throwing up gang signs. Go gangs! I was saddened, just a little, he didn’t ask “Are their any white people in the house?!” Or “Are their any Jews in the house!?” or “Can I get a holla from my atheist brothers?!” It’s not a big deal though. I was happy to identify as a bad ass hatian gang member.

Desert was one of the best parts of prom. Since I have an allergy to nuts, I can’t eat cakes and cookies and stuff from places like Mayfair farms because I have no idea what’s in it or if it was made with/near nuts. I wasn’t worried. They had: A chocolate fountain. Yes, that’s right, a fountain, of chocolate that you could put fruit into. It was awesome. AWESOME.

I left prom shortly after they played some song that made everyone go absolutely CRAZY, and it felt like an earthquake. Clearly, at that point, I was out of my element. My ethnic dancing range goes somewhere from just above Havah Nagilah to just below “I’m going to beat this bitch with a bat.” (I heard that in a song at some point last night.)

After prom we went to the city. Specificially to the comedy cellar. I drove, for the first time to the city. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again. We made it in record time to the Holland Tunnel. There, we spent an hour. Just waiting. Only one lane was open. I now understand road rage. On the way we saw a limo from CHS waiting just like we were. At least we weren’t the only one.

Once we finally got to the place, I saw some of the raunchiest comedy I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I laughed my ass off, but sometimes only in shock. I knew we were TOTALLY going to be blown away when we walked in and the VERY first thing I heard was “Who here has slept with a homeless guy?” It was a hilarious half hour. (I do wish though, that we had gotten there sooner to see Jim Florentine.)

So, after the club we walked back to the car and started driving, not fully knowing where we were going. Apparently, you can’t just reverse mapquest directions in the city. But then, We saw the limo that we saw going into the Holland Tunnel with us! Yes! So we start following it. Turns out they were gong to “Yaffa Cafe” Doh! I asked the guy how to get back to the tunnel, and he gave me good directions. It all worked out. Once we were back in Jersey, we went to get food at the Broadway Diner in Summit. It was really good.

And that was prom. It was awesome.

-Joshua Ziering

Ok, armed with that knowledge I went into that flower store. As I was walking in, these people in the back were arguing really LOUD. I don’t know what they were arguing about in a flower store. Flowers fix fights, not cause them. Anyhow, I asked the lady to buy a corsage. And so it began… She was like, Would you like a corsage or a wristlet? I asked her … what’s the difference. She pointed at her wrist, said some words, and then pointed at her chest, said some more words and then asked, So what do you want? I told her just give me what every other clueless guy has been getting there prom date. “So a wristlet it is!” Then she starts in with the colors. Not only did she confuse me with colors, but she started listing the kinds of flowers that come in that color. Ugh.

It was a trying 4 minutes, but I walked out of that flower store twenty five dollars lighter and with a receipt for a corsage….rather, a wristlet.

So as to how I felt inside that store, I think I can sum it up in one horribly uncomfortable situation:

A kosher Jewish woman, lost, unknowingly wanders into the Nude Homosexual Christian Butchers and Non-monagamous Arabic Cheese Farmers convention.

-Joshua Ziering