I like to feel prolific. I think everyone does. It’s unfortunate that girls will never know how prolific it is to pee all over things. Sometimes, you just have to douse something.
After a night of drinking, and closing down the bars, my friend Ryan and I found ourselves on Mill Ave. a little bit intoxicated, and very in need of a bathroom. If you’ve ever been to Mill you know that once the bars close, that’s it. It’s like a ghost town. Their are no bathrooms to be had. With over 5,280 feet to my house, I had to take desperate measures. We started walking, and passed a parking garage. I told my friend Ryan that I’d be right back, and started descending into said parking garage.
I’m a little bit of a shy pee-er, I really like my privacy. Even when drunk. So as I’m descending the second set of stairs I hear — THWACK – crumble. Apparently Ryan hucked a boulder off the top of the stairs into the stairwell. Just for giggles. I’d have laughed, but I’d have wet myself.
I find myself in the bottom floor of this three story parking garage, standing in an empty corner, fly down, teeth whistling, and posed like a drunken referee indicating a field goal. I was peeing like there was a fire, and I was extinguishing that shit. I felt prolific.
Just about the time I zip up my pants, and start to move towards the stairs, I see the door open. I see two “TEAM Security” guys walk out. And I say to myself “Oh Shit”. I slowly dig my right hand into my pocket and fumble for my keys. As I’m pulling them out of my pants, I hear one of them say, “What’s going on Sir?”
As I turn to them with a “Oh, you’re talking to me” look, I slowly raise my arm, keys in hand, and start to jingle them slightly as if I’m pressing the button on my car alarm. The rub here is that I do not have a car alarm. I was not even parked in the garage, but I kept jingling like I was waiting for a “Woop Woop”.
The other security gaurd, in what I can only imagine was a carefully rehearsed “Good Cop, Bad Cop” act recited, “What were you doing over there?”
I answered with what seemed to be the most sensible answer, “I’m looking for my car. It’s blue. I parked it somewhere around here” . “Well, their aren’t even any cars in this section of the garage. In fact, It’s been closed all day. And, what happened in the corner over there?” He said gesturing towards this massive puddle slowly creeping it’s way from the corner.
I gave him my professional opinion, “Looks like you have a pipe leaking. I’d get that checked out.” Which, in retrospect, wasn’t as outlandish as it seemed at the time. The quieter of the two security gaurds said, “Ok, let’s go”. I started walking up the stairs and as I got to the part where my eyes were level with the ground, I saw Ryan giving me the international sign for “WE NEED TO DIP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE”. I turned to both of the security gaurds, and I said, “You guys should keep up.” As they looked back at me puzzled I started taking steps 4 at a time. I wasn’t just fast, I was running at the speed of [bud] light.
Needless to say, I’ll find a tree or something next time. I should have learned, this hasn’t been my first run in with urinary delinquency.