I found myself at a party after the bars closed on Saturday night. I wasn’t doing anything special or imparticular, hell, the only real reason I was there was to bring support for my homies. I consider myself the Robin Hood of cock blocking, and I found myself busy that night.
While sitting on the floor in a circle of people and talking, I managed to spill my beer. As luck would have it, no one saw. Not wanting to get “called out”, I quickly patted it into the carpet. It was like a bounty commercial: a couple of pats and it sucked it right up. At first I was really happy with how smart I was, but then I felt bad that my cunning was at the expense of being something of an asshole.
In an effort to prevent further spillage, I went ahead and plugged my beer with my ring finger. It certainly had no trouble going in. (That’s what she said.) However, a minute later, when I went to scratch my face, I found myself with a new appendage: a bottle of Corona. Starting to panic, I gently tried to pull it off my finger…. no such luck. Now in full panic mode, I started twisting and rotating trying to get this fucking bottle of my ring finger. I certainly didn’t want people thinking I had some kind of sick beer bottle wedding ring/chastity ring. (Are beers given feminine pronouns like cars and planes?)
As I was about to give up hope, and stick a bottle on the other hand so at least I’d have some symmetry, this girl busts open the door. She was gorgeous. Since I was unintentionally making something of a spectacle of myself, she noticed my predicament.
“Oh my god. Don’t do that, you’ll dislocate it!.” she chirped.
Like she was unscrewing a really hot light bulb, she tried to remove my finger from the bottle. It just wouldn’t budge. Finally, she goes, “I know!” No sooner than she said this did she start going to town on my finger. She was licking like there was a prize inside. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was kind of bewildered to tell the truth. With just a second of her tongue talent, my finger popped right out. I thanked her profusely. She said, “No problem. I’ll help your special self out of bottles anytime” very condescendingly and bounced out of the room.
The answer was clear as day to me. So, I unzipped my pants. I inserted the beer bottle in said pants, and I walked outside:
“Sweetheart, You’re never gonna believe this….”