It’s been a while since I’ve made a post from this coast. However, I am excited to do so. Finally, I have something worthwhile to show the world. Since coming back to Jersey for a little hiatus, I have been pulling out all the stops. I got home two weeks to the day, and I go home two weeks to the day. Returning to Jersey was almost instant craziness. And I intend to keep it up. It’s hard to believe I’ve archived almost a year of posts from college on one page. Sure the page is massive and unwieldy, but it’s quite possibly the world’s best scrap book.
So why bother updating? Because I have fucking stories to tell. That’s why bitches. Thursday night found me in NYC drinking at a weird restaraunt called ‘Fish’. They have 1.50 happy hour draught beers, so that was clearly a winner. However, their menu doesn’t have one fucking thing on it sans seafood except for salty ass french fries. I wasn’t really there to eat as much as I was to get all liquored up cheaply. I’m 21 now, just in case anyone is wondering…My poorly grown beard and indescribeable charm add at least two years to my personna.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I find myself in the most awkward situations possible. After a few drinks, I decided I had to use the bathroom. (what might have been the only bathroom in the city I’d find out later) My brother is not a seat lifter. I feel that he is being a drain on society by refusing to lift. You have to be a seat lifter. I hate sitting in pee. Really makes me fucking mad. But, the little tiny bathroom in this restaraunt had what I’d describe as an automatically retracting toilet seat. So you put it up, and it SLAMS back down. So while I was holding this seat up and peeing, I decided to take a picture. It was precarious, but so worthwile. I’ve entitled the photo “Drunken New York Piss” I think it speaks for itself.
After leaving the Bar and going to what I think might have been the cleanest, best organized head shop I’ve ever been in … we started walking around The Village. While I was contemplating the finer points of what it is to be a methodical pot head, it became apparent that a bathroom was going to be needed immediately. After going in what felt like 200 places, we found a McDonald’s that appeared to have a bathroom. We walked down one of those long tile hallways that was reminiscent of a corridor in a shoot’em up video game. The flickering flourescent light overhead cast this yellow glow that made this situation seem a lot more serious than it was. I felt like I should have been wielding a weapon called the “Equalizer”. Walking down to the end of this hallway yielded two doors, and neither one had a stick figure on it. It was just a dead end. Actually I think it’s how the employees get in the kitchen. Anyhow, a new theory I have developed called Ziering’s Dictum of Inebriated Collusion came into play. It’s when two people manage to convince themselves, based on input from the other, that something is a good idea. Take for example this dialogue:
Person A: Fuckkk, I am have to pee really bad.
Person B: What? You’re going to pee here? I can’t be here.
Person A: I dont care if you wont pee here. You should run interference.
Person B: Ok, I’ll run the interference. Hurry.
Notice how drunken miscommunication takes that idea from concept to reality so eloquently. The whole time I was running interference all I could think about was that if someone comes down this hall way, and asks me what I am doing, I am going to start laughing right in there face. And it’s going to be big trouble for me and my friend.
We managed to slide out of the situation rather eloquently though. I am a spy. Also note, I did not partake of this pee party. I have serious public peeing problems. Just the way I was raised or something.
After this debacle, we snaked our way to the heart of the village: MacDougal St. I managed to talk our way into a booked show at The Comedy Cellar. I want to be a stand up comedian so bad I can’t stand it. It’s just such a perfect match. I’m sick, and twisted and love telling people about it, and their are people out there that want to listen. I know it.
It was a quality night.
Josh
[...] Needless to say, I’ll find a tree or something next time. I should have learned, this hasn’t been my first run in with urinary delinquency. [...]